Erev Purim 2009

hi all
it has been a very very long time since i have last written on my blog, many near misshaps, many near falling in to stuff, but b"h i can proudly say with an open heart i am still clean, been like 11 month no zera levatuleh, just been with wife, there were very dark moments, when i felt all alone, when i wanted to go and relax in gay sauna, but with two friends in my mind and a stamford hill rov, i kept myself back, and i am asking hashem for more help to keep up the fight, more strenth to combat the yetzer horeh, seems like a never ending fite, hes always back with new sugestions...
my mesage to you all is i am still gay, still have the urges, still have loneley moments, but lemaseh i can say i am sumhow with seyateh dishmayeh in controle with it, the best way is to try and block your thoughts from geting in to a nisoyen, try to push it of for an hour a day, etc, and it helps loads, it needs alot of daveninng, but with a rabbi u can always call and say u newrly falling in, please advice me, always helps, and having 1 or 2 close friends that u can discuss your situation also helps loads and always to know if you keep of zera levatuleh, then it is posible to be with your wife even if you are gay...
being careful of gay activity, being off zera levatuleh just brought me brucheh in my life, it brought me parnuseh berivech...
you can always email me if you in a hard moment and i will try to help, keep strong out there there is a way out...

Hoshaneh Rabeh 2008

with fear in my hands am i writing this new post now, as today is a very big day to ask hashem for any thing we want, in the past years when i felt more gay as i am at the moment, i use to sleep in on this big day, wake up 11am and do the hoshanes five times in my back garden on a stone, as its been now just over 6 month of no "zera levatuleh" in any un halachichal way, i feel more pure, i feel more relaxed, i do still watch movies, i do still chill with my friends, but i feel more calmer, i feel that i have gained something in life, with this big day in front of me, i daven to hashem asking him to help us as gays, to stay pure, to help us over come our yitzer horehs, our taves, our bad behavier, and for us to try to understand that if the toreh forbids acting gay, then the toreh knows it means alot to us, and hashem only gives a nisoyen to a man that can over come his nisoyen, if hashem gave us this gay desire, the gay feelings, then its us who can fight it...
lets pray to hashem on this big day he should be moichel us on the past behaviers, and gives us all strenth to continue fighting this so hard lust of gay love, gay emotions, gay acts...
wishing all of my readers a happy simchas toreh... and a git kvitel...
if you read my first few posts you will see a diffrent person, a angry person, a frustrated person, a person falling in to all his taves, and by now i feel better, purer, calmer, more clean... if i could do it then many more can do it...

Erev Yoim Kipper 2008

erev yom kipper 2008

its only two hours to go, how do i feel?? how am i coping, the truth is all i have been writing in my previes posts was all true, the ups and downs and the middle ways...

i am now getting all emotional befor yom hadin, i have pleanty what to cry for in my yom kipper davening over the next 24 hours, but 1 thing i want to tell you all, from my experience, being gay and married to a woman, U CAN controle your urges, and when you are desperate you can have sex with your wife whilst imagining what ever you want to imagine, its now just over 5 month of no zera levatuleh, no gay sex, if i could do it I'm sure many more people can do it, learn from my experience, daven to hashem, cry to him, he should help you over come your yitzer horeshs, I'm still gay, but I'm finally in controle...

i am coming to hashem this yom kipper with over 5 month of no zera levatuleh, its a different yom kipper then last year, you can also do it, have a gemar chasimeh toiveh, fast well all kelal yisruel, hashem loves us all what ever matzev we are in...

Erev Shabess "Key Suvoi" Nearly First Day Sleeches

All I want to say is that since this what happened Sunday with my near miss with that guy I hooked up on the chat room, and the one I wanted to meet in gay sauna, my desire has fallen, I have been on chat since, I have chatted since, but the hot and crazy desire has lowered dramaticly, meaby once you kill the yitzer horeh on its peak, meaby things cool down, I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, but im defnatly not as hot as I was Sunday, and b’h have been able to keep in control the week which is now nearly behind us.. wishing all of you a lechtiger shabess, and I will update you how I am getting on…

And Its Happend Again

here we are again, after enjoying a shaboss free of being at work, free of being busy, my yitzer horeh was back at me with a stronger will power, motzeh shabess i went on the net on my laptop in bed and checked the basics on bbc, the news i missed shaboss, the isralie news, and hydepark etc, then i started falling back in to the chat rooms, as chatting got going i went over to the chat sites where you can use camera on camera, and lider you can see the worst things, people jerking off on camera, people having sex etc, i found some real cute guy and we got chatting, and it all went well we exchanged email adresses and we went over to msn, and exchanged hot pics, and phone numbers, then we decided to leave it fr the next day, in the morning i got up, was busy, ate breakfast, went out to eat with the family and kids for lunch, i got back like 4pm, i promised myself we not going to go on the net again, as i knew if i will, i will go wild and out of controle, but i started getting bored and switched on my laptop, and started surfing the net, and within no time i was back in this filthy chat room, and to my disbelief this guy i met the nite before was there, and mesaged me straite away he reconised me from my username, we got chatting, and started to plan tachless, and we decided to go to gay sauna... tho inside me i knew i wana be good, and ill do my best not to cum, but i also knew im only human being, and i cannot gurantee myself anything, any way we agreed a time, and i decided to go, i started to drive, and i felt real bad, so i called my rov, and wanted to see if he could stop me from going, but there was no unswer.. i called numeres times, but no unswer, the only other option was to call my closest friend that knows im gay, he is more less updated in my matzev, and go through with him, my options, as i was getting closer to the sauna, i got through to my friend, and we disscued the advanteges of going and the disadvantages of not going, and we decided how ever hard it is, as i have no gurantee that i will keep myself back,then its better not to go, it was a hard decision, i was near the sauna, i done a sharp u turn.... i felt empty at the time, i was hot like any thing, but inside i knew im doing what is rite.... i felt dizy, i felt loneley, i felt horny, i felt full,i was mixed up, i came home, and told my wife the gim was closed, davend mariv and went to bed, it was only the next morninng when i woke up with a fresh head that i realised what i done was rite, and good, but i still have my laptop, i still have membership on that site, its still going to be a fight to stay of theese adictive feauters.. and sites what do you guys think?? have you been through this, at the momen its been over 4 month of no cumming bederech isser... daven for me to continue this way...

Elul Has Arrived..... And Im Still Clean!

let me update you all
it has been a while again, while i try to settle myself in, and with the nerves of elul and the umim toivim just ahead of us, its now over 4 month that i have been clean of "zera levatuleh" (wanking or any other kind of sexual intercourse wich is banned) how i do it??? its an up and down invention....
firstly i try to keep away from chat sites and gay saunas, and when i get desperate wich is like once in 2 weeks, i just ask my wife to let me have a go, and she is more then happy to let me use her, tho its not love just lust, i try my best to make it fun for her, tho i cum in like 2 miniutes, its not real fair without a 4 play for her, and without her geting an orgasem, but i believe that the toreh is happier with me this way, then when i would be doing it in a negetive way, now how do i cope, let me tell u.... i was off chat for few weeks, and kept myself busy with work, home, and friends, this sunday i was realy bord i went on sum gay website, and chatted for hours, it followed with an urge of going to my local gay sauna, tho i knew its wrong, and definetley when i have been clean of wanking 4 month, but i hoped ill stay strong, even if i find a match there i will not be "moitzie zera levatuleh" in any way
i came to the sauna, got a key for my cubicale, i undressed, and went to the jacuzi... within miniutes this beuiteful guy walks in, he smiled to me, and i knew he was my man, we went to the private room, we kissed, hugged, and then it all came back at me, i knew if i wont run now ill be over, i told him im sorry, i have 2 leave, he was upset, i ran to the shower, and dressed and ran for my life, i came home, i hugged my wife, knowing deep in me i was inches of betraying her, i felt good that i overpowerd my yitzer horeh, but felt low and still feeling low for entering such a low low place, wot do u think???

It Has Been A Long Time

Yes it has been along time since I have last been on, and there are a few updates, firstly b’h I am feeling fine, feeling strong, I have decided I am gay, but I can deal with it, when I have a desire to jerk off or to be with another man, its simple working on yourself and saying no to yourself, you cannot have everything you want, instead I tell my wife lets jump in bed, I use my imagination to get a hardon, and end the load in to my wife, now my wife asks, till now we had sex so rarely meaby once a week, now suddenly you want every two days, what has happened, I tried to unswer the truth that I have frummed out, but then she asks where were you past few years when I mostly needed you, that’s the hardest question I ever had to unswer, but I guess if you become frum you can start fresh and don’t need to unswer things from the past even if that means your wife will stay with a question…
Now reguarding my medication, I have now been two month on concerta, its made me high, it made me loose my emotions, but it also made me very nerves at times, it made me explode in anger in unprovoked situations, so I had tests done to see if I realy have adhd, and the tests came back negative, it came back that I have psychological emotional problems, but no adhd, so I am now off concerta, just on effexor and I feel much better,
Tho my emotional hurt is back on a high percent I will have to find a way to deal with it, any way hashem should send every one a yeshueh we all so much need

Motzeh Shvies 2008

hi all and thanks for all the support, yes shvies has been and gone, i had it so hard the days coming before yomtov, i felt a strong urge of releasing the load from my sexual organs, so i called my rov and told him its too hard for me, how can i cope, so he asked me to promise him till after shvies i will not do any avires, i promised him! and now here we are and i can say i am clean, tho i still need to unload my load, but i feel stronger emotionly any way for the time being, or at least till when i will last out, now when shvies came in, i felt emotionally ready, tho i got up noon erev shvues with a sunday haddiche, i still got the brucher from the 1 above and i was sperituley ready, the mincha and mariv went with a bren, i learnt till 4.30 in the morninng, but by the next day the hot mood has left me, and it was time for me to bring it back by myself, tho i failed i still tried my best to daven as good as posible, besides that yom tov was nice, the kids loved it, we went to the park, learnt with the kids, and now its time to move on back to realitey, back to fighting the yetzer horeh, how ever hard it will be, wish me luck to conquer the yetzer horeh, i will update u guys how we get on... in the mean time, have a gitteh gezinter zimmer....

Lets Talk About Fantasy

What is a fantasy? how urgent is a fantasy? do you have to fur fill it? my fantasy is to get in love with a yingerman my age or younger, love him, care for him, get ourselves so close as if we are 1, and my fantasy would be to RIP off his underwear from him and to wank with it, carry it with me where ever i go, kiss it, etc etc... now do i have to fur fill this fantasy?? or this is just a low degrading taveh?, or you will tell me you have much worse taves, or lusts, so far we haven't found yet Mr right so i wouldn't worry to much, yes i am reformed i am frummer then when i started writing, but having a taveh, lust, and fantasy make me a low person??, does it make me a dirty person? yes i am still gay, still love being gay, acting gay, its in me, but do i have to feel guilty for having this desire? sum people want to do much worse things, tho two wrongs don't make one right, i want to know having a fantasy does this make me a bad person, and i should not act on my urges, or acting on my urges will reduce my urges and make me a less tensed person? or will i next day yearn for the same taves again? i am not sure if holding your self back from what your body needs will make you a stronger person, a happier person, or keeping yourself back from what you need will make you a tensed person, nerves, as you cant get what you want and you leave out your anger on family members, as wife, kids, etc?

my doctor says get hold of the underwear and do as you wish... do not hold yourself back, but he is not frum, and he never had any guilt to deal with, but from a rabbis point of view, you will never get a heter to wank, so what do you guys say?

What Is Emotional Pain? do u have it?

hi all, thank you for your warm support, by the comments left, and for the emails i have received, i am feeling good, no i don't think i am mentally ill for having sum disorder like adhd or ocd, i just think its a challenge to live a normal family life with having those disorders, and being gay on top of all, i feel good now, i feel relaxed, my emotional pain is starting to lift of me, does any one actually know what emotional pain is? has any one been down that road? its emotional pain that is so hard to bare, it breaks you soooo much, it eats you up emotionally, till you cannot cope any more, it makes you feel ill, it drives your confidence down, you would rather have a haddick all day then have this emotional pain tearing through your mind, its pain like no other pain, b'h now with taking this strong stuff it seems to be lifting of me, i feel better, i feel stronger, the pain is going, give it ab it more time and ill feel even better, my libido has been knocked down completely from the side effects, i have no lust for any sex at all, even if i would try to jerk off i have no chance before spending a half an hour, but i guess you cant have the cake and eat it, i am happy I'm feeling stronger, what i will do mikveh night with the wife i don't know yet but i am sure if there is a will there is a way, any one taking such high doses out there? any one know what emotional pain is? email me or leave a comment
me the gay chusid

I have tried for help but im confused

hi all, i now flew to the usa to visit some well known Psychiatris who spelacies in gay issues, gay people, he saw me twice for 45 miniutes, labeled me with adhd, and ocd, and claimed theese disorders have hightend the chances of making me gay, and with taking some strong medication wich will start working in 4 weeks, i should be on the road of recoverey, tho i will still be gay, but i will be able to controle it like any human being with their tendencees, and reguarding my x lover he says until i wont find a replacement, a married guy with kids like me, wich i will have to fall in love again, even sexually, i will not recover from my x boy friend, he perscribed me with effexor, ritalin, and risperdone, he says it can even be a non jew but must have kids and be settled in life like me, now tho i became more series in life last few weeks, i went to a big rov, a rov that is incharge of a huge kehilleh, told him thats the view of my doctor, some one who is not frum, i asked him what would be dass toireh, as the toreh forbids acting gay, so how can i listen to my doctor and fall in love with another guy to heal my pain, so this rov thought for a second and said, firstly this categrey of gay dosent egzist, because if the toreh forbids gays, then there cannot be such a categrey, its meaby a taveh, a lust, but its not reconised by the toreh as gay, its just like someone would have a lust to eat pork and you would name that in a categrey, he says hashem only made taves meaning lusts like to eat food, because if people would not have a lust to eat food the world would fall apart, as people would not eat and then just fall apart and die, so for the world to go on people must have a lust for food, so he said its the same by sex, go-d only gave people a lust for it that there should b a kiyem for the world, because if people would not have a lust for sex, no one would marry and the world would fall apart, but the lust for being gay dosent bring any kiyem for the world, because people who are gay cannot have children, so there cant be that there is such a thing as gay, so i asked him how comes my doctor who saw hunderds of gays told me its in my genes? so he said because he is not frum and looks at it in a categrey way, just like having sex from behind with a woman is called dogy style, so are two men having sex called gay, but if you look from the toireh view, where issur and hetter come in, you have to know hashem does not allow it, and wouldent give a nisoyen harder then you can manage, and i have to keep off acting gay!!! what do you guys say? im all mixed up... who is right? who is wrong?

Lets move on in life

Hi and i am back, lets talk some toichen, i am back and i want to move on from my x boy friend, i want to concertrate on the future, and meaby in the future i will update you how its going, but i have now taken it as any boy friend - girlfriend breaking up thing, and i will just have to manage with it, its not so hard as emotionaly i am off him, and i am just still influnced by him, meaning i still care for him i still wonder what he is getting up to, how he is doing, where he is now? how hes coping etc, but i guess that this is only normal, and i will have to just move on, tho i have not yet found mr right, it is little hard being single in gay issues and in gay emotions, but keeping busy helps alot, i am sure hashem knows where in life i am, i am sure he is the one and only incharge, i have no tanes on hashem, i love him, tho i know he gave me a very hard issue to deal with it, im not saying im a tzadick, if i get hot and cant any longer, ill do what a man has to do, either by myself, or even go to an escort service, tho i have not been in a few weeks, i still believe if i need to be with a man, and if i dont have a man, i can play safe with a call guy, that should not conterdict me trying to live a frum life, just as much as gay dosent conterdict the torah, so shouldent gay issues or gay acting conterdict living and being frum, meaby with the time i will think or do diffrent, but this is the way i want to go now, i will be and act frum, do my needs when i have to, and live happier this way, becoming "frie" was never an option for me, i think and am sure i would not be comfertbal that way, im use to my rekel and hat, im use to my shdramel, i think changing any of that would make me uncomfertebel, i enjoy walking in to shul dressed and actinng straight, its much more geshmack to act straight then going of the derech and be gay, its much better to be frum and gay, its much more geshmack to be with your wife and to have a family life then living a single or even being in a married gay relationship, sure we have nisyoines, but its here for us to deal with it, gay issues use to make me rebellias, but now it gives me koiches to fight it, tho i am still loneley @ times, i still think since i have started writing this blog, things have changed for the better, im not so angry any more, i more take it as something we as human-beings will never understand, rather take it as a fight we have to get through, "al korchoch atu chai" and "ve al korchoch atu gay" email me, or leave comments if you agree or disagree im on gaychusid@gmail.com have a frilichen and lechtiger shabess